You Don't Break Even

I punish my self too hard for the mistakes that are meant to be made,
and I regret on both the anger of being wronged and being wrong,
I linger over the things that I said and did even when its past being done,
and I wonder that maybe I should give you another chance but I know I have none to give,
I think back about how hurt I was but I'd smile for you to get past it,
and I feel foolish for ignoring all the things I was saying in only my head,
I get so frustrated when I remember how I felt, then how you did, then me again,
and I know I should think about whats good for me but I still think about you too,
I pray for things to change for the better and I hope you've moved on,
and I hope that what I did will help you instead of crippling you when I left,
I expected too much out of my first time and I bit off a lot to chew on,
and I got disappointed for my troubles but those were my foolish expectations,
I fought till I forgot nearly everything I said to you in the fight to make it better,
and I forgot  how warm you could be because you took it away so quickly,
I controlled my self because its the only thing I knew,
and I raised my voice because my crazy emotions had to come out somehow,
I fell silent because I stop speaking my mind and my mind was out to hurt you,
and I compromised by not telling you the painful stuff and only encouraging the good.